New York

Now I am aware that this blog is supposed to be primarily a lamentation about the hardships of my life but there are those rare occasions of celebration that bring out such strong emotions that I absolutely must write about it. To my regular readers, who usually cannot wait for my dark, melancholic pieces, I ask that you make an exception this one time.

This is about New York. Every time I find myself pulling into the city and see the skyline I can’t help but do my best Alicia Keys impression and belt out ‘Empire State of Mind.’ But to be more specific it is about my cousins who live in Manhattan. The cousins are devilishly fun and truly awesome partly due to the fact that they make me the most delish food (at the behest of their wonderful mother). But to get to the point it’s about the bathroom in their apartment, which for all intents and purposes is a regular bathroom, but it has a shower radio. Need I say more? Try taking a shower and then hear Rolling in the Deep come on the radio, and not lose your composure. I am telling you it is awesome. But that is all beside the point; no, this blog is really about one thing. Clean and Clear Morning Burst Scrub with Bursting Beads.

Now look. I have lived a pretty good life. But the first time I used this scrub on my face (it’s a soap for the face for you neanderthals who are not aware of this product) I felt like everything that had happened in my life before that moment was inadequate. I will say with no hesitation that this ranks in the top two experiences in my life and its only conventional wisdom and the fear of being ridiculed that is telling me not to put it in the number one spot. This thing has beads in it that explode on your face, creating this most fascinating sensation unlike any other. It makes the face tingle. And not the pins and needles variety you feel in your foot after you have sat on the pot for too long. It is a very controlled tingle like it is reawakening the nerve endings in your face (screw you, it’s not lame). If this is going to be your first wash, do not be overwhelmed by its face melting capabilities, embrace it, you will never get that moment back again. And you all know that I am not one for hyperbole and overstatement, so believe me when I say that this stuff is the tits.

And this isn’t the only products the esteemed cousins have in their bathroom. My hair smells like fruit, my skin tastes like shea butter (with a hint of vanilla) and my face is aglow. I think all I really needed after that was a fluffy white robe and a cigar and my life would actually be complete.