health and whatnot

I’ve been putting on weight and not the good kind either. The shapeless kind of weight where my thighs are now beginning to chafe and my abdomen is beginning to bulge forwardly and laterally, forsooth! I used to have a boy ass that would turn prisoners into raving lunatics shanking each other unreservedly for the rights to stake their claim on my ass. Alas, my boy ass is no more and prisoners do not even deign to give me a second look now. In retrospect this seems to be more of an (immediate) vanity issue than any sort of health issue since I feel alright for now. Ladies, fret not, I still look pretty much the same (unless you see me naked (ha! If you are so lucky!)) so you know, don’t stop throwing yourselves at me on account of my gluttony.

This is not like days of yore where I could shovel any old bit of food down my throat and let my metabolism do its thing. It seems my body is taking more of a hard-line approach and most likely my GI tract adopting the attitude of “fuck it. I am not a landfill. Get some self respect you filthy pig.”

This means I now have to watch what I eat and get some exercise and generally be healthy (yuck). I started off by swapping my standard breakfast fare of Reese’s Puffs and Hersey’s chocolate syrup with a splash of whole milk to some disgusting almond flak cardboard like cereal with that swill they call reduced fat milk. No dear reader, these extreme measures don’t stop at breakfast. 

Lunch consists of some cold cuts with lettuce, which for those of you who don’t know just tastes like water so it isn’t too bad and some other calorie deficient veggies on brown bread(wheat apparently). Sweet, delicious, wholesome mayo was replaced by raspberry vinaigrette. The less said about this vinaigrette the better. I miss that queasy feeling I would get after swallowing a whole sandwich drowned in mayo. Post lunch I am filled with misery, pining for my ephemeral youth in hopes of recapturing my former glories.

By dinner time I am so emotionally wasted from toiling with that vinaigrette that if I have any vestige of an appetite left I order some pizza. But that is very rare. Really. I swear.